Every year the Calgary Stampede rolls out the latest midway treats, horrifying and enticing would-be patrons and media alike.
From the items clearly meant to troll us all and convince the brave people to put something not meant for human consumption in their mouths, to the food that actually looks pretty tasty, here's a breakdown on some of what you can shove in your gullet for 10 days this summer.
The Cookie Dough-ne
Okay, looking past the cotton candy randomly tacked on and the fact that this much raw cookie dough is sure to cause most people some form of gastro-intestinal distress, can we talk about the name? What's a "dough-ne"? The dough I get (see gastro-intestinal stress), but "ne"? What's "ne"?
Rolled ice cream
So it's ice cream? No, it's rolled ice cream! But it's ice cream, right? Well, yes, but rolled. Is it cold and made with dairy products and melts in your mouth? Yes, but in a tubular shape and it comes with toppings!
Unicorn white chocolate/unicorn cookie dough
I'm beginning to think the unicorns weren't as svelte and muscular as we've been lead to believe. There's going to be a lot of unicorn things for the next little while, isn't there?
Clam chowder poutine
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stopped to buy that discount seafood sold from the back of a pickup truck on the side of a prairie highway? Just thinking out loud here.
World's hottest pizza
There are going to be some EMS resources tied up by people eating this one. If you'd like to waste a bit of time today, watch YouTube videos of people eating ghost peppers.
Crispy chicken feet on a stick
Easily better than clam chowder poutine.
Canadian bacon pickle balls
I can find nothing wrong with adding bacon to the already delicious invention known as deep-fried pickles. That is not sarcasm.
One-metre long sausage
This looks pretty good. What will be even better is watching people try to navigate the crowds while holding one to their face. (Note to self: research the length of a full-grown man's intestinal tract.)
Rain drop cake
I don't get it.
Maple bacon artisan doughnuts
Yes. Just, yes.
For the full list of midway options announced on Wednesday, head over here.
The 2017 Calgary Stampede takes place from July 7-16.
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