How the pandemic triggered memories of going hungry and how sourdough soothed my fears

This First Person article is the experience of Linda Hutchinson, who lives in Delta, B.C.For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

On April 11, 2020, I set out a bowl of plain flour mixed with water and hoped the air around me would bring it to life.

I named my sourdough starter "Bonnie" after B.C.Provincial Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry and Pinterest assured me in eight to 10 days I, too, could have beautiful homemade loaves brimming with tangy goodness. To heck with the lack of bread or commercial dry yeast on the shelves!

It was the early days of the pandemic, and my recent trip to the grocery store had been a shock. A sandwich board at the grocery store front had warned me they were already out of Lysol Wipes and hand sanitizer. "Limit 1 per customer" signs were everywhere.

It seemed we had all moved on from the hunt for toilet paper, and I was now faced with the barren bread aisle, the paltry pasta aisleand the bleak baking aisle.

More than a year later, I now realize those bare shelves were a major trigger for me. It had been a long time since I faced food insecurity. But if you have everwondered where your next meal is coming from, you know that stays with you for life.

Facing scarcityand memory

I have a very complicated relationship with my core values: independence and security.

On the positive side, those valuescan drive me to be prepared. In February 2020, Health Canada had advised all households to have at least a two-weeksupply of provisions on hand in case we were required to quarantine. I took that to heart hard and early.

On the flip side, when your driving forces are independence and security, facing scarcity can also create a great deal of anxiety.

In my teens, I had quit school, moved out and tried to support myself for several years before returning home to get my schooling back on track. During those years on my own, there was never enough food.

During the worst month, I only had enough money for a bag of rice and a bottle of cheap soy sauce. I ate that for every meal for 30 days. I did not use the food bank, and I am not sure I even knewit existed until later in life. I would like to say it was ignorance that prevented me from reaching out for help, but there was a lot of stubbornness and pride mixed in there too.

This pandemic has caused food insecurity in a very real way for some. I was not actually experiencing it this time. I could easily order take-out; I could try a different store; I could try again tomorrow.

A little grace

But those empty shelves made me feel like I was experiencing food insecurity again. And so, this pandemic year I have meal-planned, inventory-planned and strived for zero kitchen waste.I have cooked too much, eaten too much, gained too muchand focused way too much on food.

But I know why, and I am giving myself a little grace as I work to get back to a healthier level of food love.

That day one year ago when I came home from my unsuccessful grocery run, I signed up to give a monthly recurring donation to Food Banks Canada. Then, I set out a bowl of plain flour mixed with water and hope.

In case you were wondering, Pinterest lied:it was not 10 days. My first loaf actually came around mid-June, and it was as heavy as a bowling ball with the texture of slightly dried rubber cement.

But with a little practice, and some more YouTube browsing, I had something quite enjoyable by August.

The process of sourdough is more calm than regular breadmaking. There is no vigorous kneading or slapping.For the best results, you need to be kind to the dough and gently fold and stretch over a length of time that seems like an eternity. Calm, kind, gentle I feel I named my starterwell.

I still make sourdough at least every other week. For me, there is security and a sense of independence in being able to turn simple flour, waterand salt into something beautiful and delicious. It makes me feel safe.

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