Dear Diary: Student ponders solitude, uncertainty and the oddity of belly buttons

CBCCalgarywants to knowhow you are living these days. What are you doing differently? What makes you laugh? Cry? Scream? Have you started a new hobby? Let us know.

In this instalment of our series, Dear Diary: In a Time of COVID-19,Martin Al-Najar tells us about online classes, staying busyand how trying to maintain a semblance of "normal" is actually moving him further away from it.

This submission has been edited for clarity and length.

My thoughts feel muddled. I don't particularly know why. Perhaps confused is a better way to describe it.

In my attempts to maintain any semblance of "normal," I have found myself only straying further away from it. This experience has provided me with the opportunity to better understand myself, yet it has left me with a ceaseless feeling of uncertainty.

Apart from my regular routine of breathing, practically nothing has remained the same. I've begun hanging out with my sister; I've picked up an online game that only helps to irritate me (it was a bad decision to pick it back up again); I've begun reading I used to loathe reading, and now it is something I genuinely enjoy.

There is, however, a feeling of emptiness that stems from the lack of ordinary. You'd never think that the simple sight of a familiar human being would be an event rather than something commonplace.

I miss performing. I've missed performances. I miss the hugs, the high-fives, the waves. I miss living life!

Alas, this pandemic did not result in the early summer vacation that most of us students were looking forward to. This is house arrest, not vacation.

Online activities are also an odd time. Singing and dancing lessons over the computer can be very peculiar at times. Dancing is particularly troublesome when couches and random boxes confine you to a small dark corner in your basement.

School feels more like a hobby than a requirement. I don't even know what I'm doing in half of my classes!

If there's one thing that quarantine has made me sure of, it is that I am not built for online schooling. Easily accessible distractions combined with no one to hold me accountable for my work only intensifies my masterful procrastination habits.

As a human being: I am all right. It's not necessarily the social deprivation that's causing me some unease, it is more so the solitude of the whole experience.

There is normally always something to constantly keep my mind occupied, whether it be worrying about school, maintaining relationshipsor practising for performances.

Now, there is nothing.

I am left with my thoughts and my thoughts alone. It's fascinating to see just how absurd yet worrisome one's thoughts can be when isolated for an extended period of time. What am I on this earth for? Why are belly buttons so odd? Why do humans tend to be monogamous?

I have no doubt that others are facing the same strange challenges and questions I am.I have no doubt that others are facing more difficult challenges than I am.

Regardless of who you are, where you are, or what you are doing, we all require some support in these desperate times. Be compassionate. Take care of those around you, and take care of yourself.

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