How a non-binary Winnipeg student lives with mix of body euphoria and dysphoria

This first-person essay is the experience ofMin Hecky Tresoor,a non-binary post-high school filmmaking student with the SislerCreate program at Sisler High School inWinnipeg. Tresoorwrote this Creator Network essay, in part, to mark International Women's Day 2023. Winnipeg artist Zephyra Vuncreated original, flow art based on the themes and ideas within Tresoor's essay.

I'm lying on my bed, eyes glued to the screen, unable to believe what I'm hearing.

The person in the TikTokvideo has somehow managed to describe how I feel about being a woman better than I ever could.

"Someone asks me if I am a woman, and I say, 'sometimes,'" they say.

The words echo in my mind before etching themselves into my memory, and I sink into the comforting feeling of knowing that there are others that feel the same way I do.

My connection to my birth gender is complex and is always changing and shifting.

I had been out to a few people since early 2021.The pandemic-caused break from school and the forced isolation left me with a lot of time to question my gender.The friends I was around gave me a lot of time to question my gender.

I came out officially on Instagram on Aug.11, 2021.

Earlier that summer, I was watching the Tokyo Olympics with my aunt and uncle at their house. I mentioned being excited about the several transgender athletes who would be competing. I didn't get the reaction I had expected.

I thought that they were fairly open-minded and would at least acknowledge that it was a big step in sports. I didn't expect to hear the whole "biological advantage"argument and a lot of the other lousy arguments I had seen about transgender athletes online in the weeks and months before. My sibling and I were bringing up every point of reason we could think of to no avail.

There were a lot of familial expectations when I was born.

I was angry and hurt and decided it was best that they didn't know I was taking their comments personally, and that I shouldn't come out to them for a while. I didn't talk to them for a few months after that weekend.

Would that conversation with my aunt and uncle have been different if they knew the real me?

Would they still have said everything, and then been surprised when I didn't want to talk to them? Would they have ignored the shock and anger and sadness in my voice? Would they pretend it never happened?

'Smothered in pink'

There were a lot of familial expectations when I was born.

I was the first and oldest granddaughter on my mom's side of the family andthe first girl after five boys. When I was born I was showered with pink everything.

Being smothered in pink has transformed, over the years, into a smothering of comments from certain family members about having kids.

I hadn't even graduated from high school yet and I was getting pressure to have kids. None of my male cousins, who were legal adults at the time, were getting the same questions.

I became very frustrated every time the topic was brought up, leading to one of my more dramatic moments at a family dinner.

"Stop pressuring me to have kids or I'm going to get a hysterectomy out of spite."

They haven't brought it up since, so I guess it worked.

Whenever I meet someone new or see someone that I haven't seen in a long time, I spend quite a while questioning whether it would be safer to tell them I'm non-binary or let them assume I'm a woman. If I won't be seeing them consistently, I usually just let people have their assumptions, and don't correct them about what pronouns or titles they use to refer to me.

It does hurt a little, feeling like I have to hide an important part of who I am just to be accepted by other people. I don't mind she/her pronouns, but sometimes I feel like that makes me less non-binary, even if a big part of the non-binary identity as a whole is fluidity and not limiting your expression.

Body dysphoria vs.gender euphoria

It's not hard to see how people assume I'm a woman. Even if I dress more masculine, I can't hide the way my body is shaped. I have a clearly female body, whether I like it or not.

My body dysphoria is an inescapable dread and fear that I will always be tied to being female through my body, regardless of how masculine or androgynous I try to appear. I can't change the way my bones are shaped, and that's something I have to learn to live with

My dysphoria is also sneaky. It can leave me alone for months before slowly creeping back in when I don't expect it, and then I wake up one morning and hate everything I put on my body, and spend a lot of time avoiding mirrors as much as possible.

But other mornings I wake up and everything feels warm and golden, like a sunbeam. That is my favourite kind of day. On those days I feel super connected to my gender, whatever it feels like that day. Those are my gender euphoria days.

I also feel that wonderful divine feminine energy and feel particularly connected to one of my middle names, Freja.

Freja is the Norse goddess of war and love and death, and one of the coolest characters.

On my Freja days, my euphoria usually manifests as a lot of self-love, and an urge to wear pretty dresses and flowy skirts and extra-feminine makeup.

As I navigate my Freja versus my non-Freja days, my family is also trying to understand my identity and navigate their own path.

Being non-binary is my escape and my freedom to just be me.

The evening before Valentine's Day, I was in the car with my dad.

I had been talking about how I felt a connection to the song Kingby Florence and The Machine.

The song is about the singer/songwriter Florence Welch's personal conflict between her career, having a familyand gender expectations faced by women.

My dad asked me: "Why do you think there's so many more people in your generation who identify as non-binary or trans?"

The question wasn't malicious. He was curious and didn't know who else to talk about it with. For me, the question was welcomed and appreciated.

And I already knew my personal answer: freedom.

It's freedom from the inherent baggage that comes with being raised as female, I told him.

In childhood, there is less pressure about how kids express themselves yet girls still feel the squeeze of certain expectations. Girls often get labelled "girly girl" or "tomboy" so you're either too much or not enough girl.

I hope we come to a place of acceptance where kids can just express themselves how they choose without expectations or labels.

I am embracing this freedom as an adult.

Being non-binary gives me freedom to explore hairstyles and makeup and clothing in more than one way. Femininity becomes a choice and no longer an expectation.

Being non-binary is a rejection of any expectation from my family and society about how a woman should look and how their life unfolds.

For me, it's a rejection of an expected life path: to graduate high school, then go to university, work until I meet a partner, get married, have kids and then be a stay-at-home mom.

Being non-binary gives me superpowers.

I have more control over how I want my life to be when I'm no longer tied exclusively to being a woman.

Being non-binary is my escape and my freedom to just be me.

And that means I can be a woman, or not, on my own terms.

About the illustrations

Winnipeg artistZephyra Vuncreated these black-and-whiteflow illustrationsto reflect Min Hecky Tresoor'spersonal story.

"Reflective of the message in this narrative, flow drawings are created throughfreedom.They are completely unplanned, improvised from one stroke to the next, honing in on the vast possibility of each present moment as inspiration," writes Vun.

"This unreserved and limitless creative process mirrors Min's explorations in what in means to be a woman.

"Binaries and fluidity intertwine as main characters of this artistic story. While the designs convey typical 'womanly' imagery, they are also lost within the unstructured chaos of the other moving parts.

"I integrate both literal black and white, geometrically symmetrical shapes alongside fluid, irregular lines and patterns. The two seemingly opposing elements work in tandem to create the flow, just as they do in Min's journey to redefine womanhood," writes Vun.

"In both cases, we are navigating our own paths not through expectation, but through curiosity; where expression unfolds naturally."

CBC Creator Networkis a national storytelling initiative that amplifies the voices, unique perspectives and stories of diverse creators across Canada. We work with emerging storytellers to help produce original content including short films, social videos, photo series, personal essays, audio essays,illustrationsand animation.

Check out Creator Network Manitoba projectshere.