If artists acted like tradespeople: A writer's thoughts on renovation season

It's the peak season of home renovations, promptingEdward Riche to share his take on what painters, performers and other artists might say to you, if we hired them the way we hire contractors, carpenters, plumbers, etc.

"Your problem isn't the painting, it's the paint."

"You don't need strings for this symphony, you're just wasting money.Trust me, the woodwinds can carry it."

"Did you do it without a string section?No, no, no, you gotta have strings."

"The cast couldn't make it to opening night because they were in another play they had to finish first."

"Who wrote the original? Ah. That's your problem, right there."

"You see, the thing most people don't realize about a mezzotint"

"Three poems?OK, but I am going to warn you, you get into something like sonnets in iambic pentameter and it can get expensive.With end rhymes, even more.I know you are going to scoff at a limerick but consider your needs.And a good limerick lasts.We even have some limericks left over from a previous job that would work."

"Sure, most actors use a director but we don't need one.That's why we can offer this price."

"It's just after coming a little loose. We'll tighten it up and it will hold."

"Novel, literary fiction?Wry? Unreliable narrator? Around$15,000. But I can do it for $10,000, cash under the table."

"Never seen a script like this in 20years of acting."

"Any time you are doing art in the environment, and there's a weather event,things are going to get tangly."

"My nephew isn't certified but he's an incredible sculptor, he'll sculpt anything, and the sculpture is going to cost you half."

"At this point in the job we are no longer making any money."

"We couldn't believe what we found when we turned the page. It changes everything."

"She's mostly worked in scripts but she's been around a lot of musicians on many jobs over the years, so no worries."

"You asked for an improvisation, and we said go with something scripted. It's not on us that you're not happy with how it ended."

It's your money

"That is not a time signature I would ever use but, hey, you're the one commissioning the composition."

"Why? Because a 'funny part'won'twork there. You can't just 'put a funny part in.'I've been at this racket 35years and every time someone tries that, it isn't funny at all."

"All the original choreography has to be replaced.It was very high-quality Canadian choreography, which isn't available any longer.Gonna recommend you go with German choreography, made in China. If you were going to commission a Canadian choreographer to do something original, it's going to be more than you have budgeted."

"It was an excerpt. No one should expect the whole book to be like the excerpt."

"I know it seems crazy to write a treatment for the film when you already have the fourth draft of the screenplay written, but those are the regulations."

• More humour and other recent columns from Edward Riche

"I'll play the drums."

"If you want a script polish that's what you'll get, but I think you need a Page 1 rewrite."

"It wasn't obvious at the beginning of the job but it looks like you are going to need three or four more stories to make a collection."

"A series of 24villanelles on a theme?I really think you are getting to the place where you have to consider a knockdown."

"Did you just call me a 'diva'?"

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