Sex, dates and offspring: The dialects of different dating sites

Through my years of experience and research, I have learned there are methods to mastering the precarious art of online dating the two most important being 1) Don't connect with anyone who only has one photo; and 2) If there's more than one pic but they're of the shirtless variety, it's best to move on.

But above all else, you have have to switch it up. Do not lose hope if you have swiped your way through Tinder only to reach the disheartening notification that "There is no one new around you." It lies. There are always more.

Well, maybe unless you're in Elbow, Sask.

The Internet age has blessed us with many a way to set up disappointing first dates. Although, I must warn you, there are different plights for different sites.

My favourite alternative to Tinder is Bumble, the dating app that markets itself as giving women more control over who they're connecting with. There's alsoeHarmony if you decide marriage and offspring is your thing.

Candidates on these various sites generally share the same curiosities, but they have different ways of saying it. Especially as a wheelchair user, I've pick up on the dialects quickly.

It usually starts out with something physical.

• Bumble: You have beautiful eyes.
• Tinder: Nice rack!
• eHarmony: You are very pretty. Is there any sign of diabetes or early onsetdementia in your immediate blood relatives?

You have to give credit to the Bumble guys for putting in a little effort before getting to the punch, but don't kid yourself: soon enough, they get brave.

• Bumble: So, what do you do for a living?
• Tinder: How much money do you have?
• eHarmony: Does your current occupation have dental coverage?

Come on! Never ask someone what their financial situation is right off the hop, unless of course money is what you're after, in which case Kijijiclassifiedsmight be a better bet.

Now that you've chatted long enough that he thinks it's time for a face-to-face encounter, he says:

• Bumble: Want to go for a drink?
• Tinder: My place or yours?
• eHarmony: Will you have dinner with my parents and I?

You have sparked his interest; he wants to know more. The question is: how much more are you willing to give? For me, that's a different consideration than for many people.

• Bumble: Can you feel your legs?
• Tinder: Can you still have sex?
• eHarmony: Can you bear children?

Just to clear the air and for any potential future dates reading this, after acquiring a spinal cord injury, surgeons usually stitch up a person's neck or back, not their genitalia.

See how each question is exactly the same thing posed a different way? Bumble tries to be a slightly more sophisticated version of Tinder, and eHarmony, well, that's just for breeding.

In the end, it's all the same shit. Happy swiping.

This piece is intended as comedy.