Hello, My name is Eli Glasner and I am a fanboy.

I collect comics. I can tell you who Captain America is (Steve Rogers), the Avengers super team he fights on and discuss the West Coast Avengers with a distressing amount of detail.

I'm telling you this because I feel a certain amount of responsibility for the cinematic assault on intelligence, two hours of sound and fury and short skirts that is Sucker Punch. (Directed by fanboy favourite Zack Snyder.)

It had been a golden age for fanboys. It seemed every studio exec who once wore underoos had a soft spot for any story featuring spandex and word bubbles.

But Sucker Punch is the Tower of Babel of blockbusters.

A monstrous edifice that crumbles under the sheer metric tonnage of its own crappiness. It's a movie that makes me long for the straightforward storytelling of Michael Bay's Transformers . It makes Fast and Furious look like a Chekhov play.

Try to imagine something dreamt up by a bunch of horny 16-year-olds stuck in their basement playing Dungeons and Dragons and you might come close to the supposed sophistication of Sucker Punch.

Let me dial back the bile for a moment to tell you the plot.

Baby Doll (that's her name) is sent to a sanitarium framed for the murder of her sister by her evil stepfather.

In the loony bin, Evil Dad makes a deal with the orderly to get Baby lobotomized in five days. As Baby Doll begins to break down, the sanitorium transforms into a 1940s-style burlesque brothel where the girls dance for clients.

Soon Baby bonds with the plucky group of dancers - Sweet Pea, Rocket, Blondie and Amber.

Emily Browning as Baby Doll and Abbie Cornish as Sweet Pea are shown in a scene from Sucker Punch. (Warner Bros. Pictures/Associated Press)

Together they hatch a plan to escape, based around Baby Doll's magic dancing skills which she uses to hypnotize men and simultaneously take us away to a series of surreal battle scenes. Here is where she and the gals meet the sagely wise man (Scott Glenn), named....Wise Man, who spits out hackneyed lines like "Remember girls, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Or, "Don't ever write a cheque with your mouth that you can't cash with your ass."

With this inspiring pep talk, the five fearless females, with the power of their presumably bulletproof fishnet stockings, killer eyelashes and micro mini skirts, transform into kewpie doll warriors destroying giant samurai, dragons, goblins, robots, zombies and the last shred of hope I had left for Hollywood.

Sucker Punch is the Barbie doll of action films, something incredibly pretty, stiff and plastic. The screen is a visual orgy of film geekdom. Steampunk German zombies pour out of trenches in a First World War tableau as the sky is filled with biplanes and blimps. The Sailor Moon rejects bounce over the baddies like they're made of rubber. Amber drives a giant robot, with a pink bunny painted on top. Why? Who knows? Why are there magic fire crystals in the dragon's throat? How is it Baby Doll acquired her magic dancing skills? Why are the girls not allowed to wear pants? Ever! And most importantly who in their right mind thought this was a good idea and didn't they have any DAUGHTERS!

It has been a good time in Hollywood to be a fanboy. Has. But Sucker Punch could put an end to all that. This is a Waterworld-sized embarrassment and what's worse, Zack "Schlock Master" Snyder's follow up film... is a remake of Superman.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Rating: One blood splattered high-heel shoe out of five.