The Titanic takes so long to go down, audiences are bored of sitting still. (Paramount/Associated Press)

Part of the function of your fearless film reviewer at Canada's public broadcaster is to see the movies so you don't have to. It's been 15 years since James Cameron's epic created a wave of Titanic-Fanatics, so I decided to take a look at the new and improved 3D version to see if it still holds up. Has it improved with age? Or decayed like some relic best left forgotten on the seabed. Let's find out as I record my impressions minute by minute.

T-minus 5 minutes: The crowd is a mix of film critics resigned to their fate, Titanic fans giddy with excitement and a motley group of mutants who seem to show up at every free screening. I have come prepared with water, coffee, smuggled chicken dinner, gum, chocolate, pen, paper and emergency cyanide pill. ONWARD!

0:02 We're under water at the wreck of the Titanic. With the new 3D, the silt stirred up by the submersible floats in front of us. It's a subtle effect; is it too much to hope this is a sign of good things to come?

0:25 Old Rose, who I will call Granny, is narrating the story as sad young Rose boards the boat to take her to America. "But for me, it was a slave ship." Ah, exaggerate much?

0:26 Look, it's young Leonardo DiCaprio at a card game. And when I say young I mean embryonic. DiCaprio always had a baby face -- here he looks like a preteen.

And there's his chum, Italian stereotype Fabrizio. "I-ah go to Ah-mare-ee-cah!"

0:27 Rose's fiance Caledon doesn't like Pablo Picasso = BAD MAN. Look closely and you see the exact moment Billy Zane was typecast as villain for life.

0:30 Cameron takes us into the engine room of the great ship. There's an almost sexual excitement in the air as he films the massive pistons and cranks pounding away.

The fiery rich girl and the poor commoner and the ham-fisted dialogue. (Paramount/Associated Press)

0:32 Clearly I've forgotten how relentless the soundtrack is. It's like Switched on Bach meets Enya.

0:34 "I'm the King of the World!" Little did Leo know that 15 years later his costar would call him fat. Funny how we never remember Super Mario Fabrizio right next to him. "I canna see the Statue of Liberty."

0:40The first time Jack sees Rose, she's perfectly backlit by the setting sun.

0:45 Rose is going to jump. Jack talks her out of it because he's just a swell, charming guy. Wow, it's amazing how much DiCaprio has grown as an actor. Here he has the honest but overwrought appeal of Mark Hamill.

You could call their relationship -- the fiery rich girl and the poor commoner -- uncomplicated, or you could point to some of the most ham-fisted writing since Lucas matched up Leia with Luke.

Oh look, they're learning to spit....cue Cline.

0:49 Jack says he's like "a tumbleweed blowing in the wind" as he squints off into the distance, the wind tousles his hair...like a tumbleweed.

0:52 I have to say the 3D ranges from subtle to downright nonexistent. That's not to say it's bad. But after all of Cameron's talk ($18 million, 60 weeks, 300 artists) of the effort that went into the converting the film, the result doesn't add much. Certainly nothing compared to the immersive dive-into-the-screen experience of Avatar.

1:00 "LIfe's a gift," says Jack.

1:05 Our gift has come. My Heart will Go On has cardiac arrest and is replaced by a rousing Irish jig scene. Sure it's a bit like the cast of Stomp travelled back in time, but the movie has blood in its veins for a moment. Also young Rose has transformed herself into quite the lively devil all of a sudden.

1:13 Bad Mom (Frances Fisher) says "Life's unfair, we're women," then maniacally tightens Rose's corset one more time.

Question. Was the acting style always this broad or have things actually improved in 15 years? This festival of fromage would be at home in 1972's The Poseidon Adventure.

Let's pause for a moment to savour this fine speech by Jack to Rose:"They've got you trapped, Rose. And you're gonna die if you don't break free. Maybe not right away because you're strong but... sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose... that fire's gonna burn out."

You gotta feel for a guy delivering lines like that, but for 1912, his voice and the way he carries himself seems quite modern. The only thing authentic about him is his suspenders.

1:20 It's here. The Cline song crests, there they are -- Jack and Rose standing on the bow of the ship. Winslet's arms are outstretched, bosom heaving. "I'm flying." Still an iconic moment.

1:22 THE MUSIC! MAKE IT STOP. WHY ARE THE ANGELS YELLING AT ME!

1:25 We arrive at the nude scene where Jack sketches Rose. Strange moment for such a tame film.

1:27 And BAM, we're back to Granny in the present, like jumping into a cold shower. Old Rose talks about the most erotic moment in her life. People in theatre shift awkwardly in their seats.

1:40 Back to the ship and the most persistent theme music since Brazil. Does it ever end?

1:35 "Put your hand on me Jack." The two love birds fog up the windows in an old buggy. Rose's hand streaks across the steamed-up glass. I giggle.

1:40 Another cold blast from Cameron. Just as young Rose is wiping the sweat from her brow...Iceberg Sighted! Is he punishing us for getting aroused?

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet huddle together in the cold night air, warmed by the thought one day they'll be respected as actors. (Paramount/Associated Press)

1:45 Wait, forget about that pesky iceberg. Let's argue about who stole the jewel for a moment. That's right, it's time for the inevitable momentary misunderstanding to tear these lovers apart. Jack stole a jacket, ergo he's a jewel thief.

2:00 Jack tells Rose to go. She doesn't want to go. Gets in lifeboat. People jumping off ship to reach boats. Clinging to ropes. Boat begins to descend. Rose jumps back on ship. Tearful reunion at grand staircase. "You're so stupid." (kiss kiss kiss) "You're so stupid" (kiss kiss kiss)

2:02 White water rapids portion as ocean rushing through hallways. Claustrophobic. Effective. Action always Cameron's forte.

2:04 Brief pause in the soppy spectacle for an artful montage. Floating dead girl. Painting under water. The Captain. Older couple embracing in bed as water rushes in.

2:30 Having the heavenly choir belting away as the ship sinks seems tacky if not outright bizarre.

2:40 Jack hangs onto the wooden headboard as he tells Rose how winning his ticket to go on the Titanic was the best thing that ever happen to him.

Jack: Promise me you'll survive. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.

Rose: I promise.

Jack: Never let go.

Rose: I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go.

2:41 She lets go. Popsicle Leo sinks away.

3:00 We're back in the present with Granny and Brock (Bill Paxton) as the modern-day treasure hunter. "For three years, I've thought of nothing except Titanic, but I never got it... I never let it in." More risible dialogue from the Cameron school of screenwriting.

3:02 We see Granny's plump toes on the rail of the ship. Oh look it's the Heart of the Ocean jewel. And......plop!

3:05 No wait, Cameron's not through with us yet. One last dream sequence. Jack is standing in the grand staircase. Everyone is applauding. This is like the end of Wizard of Oz. I hold my breath waiting for the water to come rushing back, but it never does.

3:08 Credits roll! Audience rushes to the exits. Ushers try to impose order suggesting women and children first, but mob reigns.

3:10 Man in front of me: "God, that was a long time to sit." Amen sir. Amen.

RATING: 2.5 / 5 with half a point deducted for needless 3D